The ultimate dad
“My dad said ‘look what I learned today,’ then proceeded to dab and almost take out a waiter who was carrying a full tray of food.”
The laundry disaster
“I was being seated at a restaurant that I used to go to quite regularly. As the hostess was seating our party, I went to slide into the booth and felt something weird fall next to my feet. I got into the booth anyway and then I saw them. To my utter horror, a pair of my UNDERWEAR was on the ground next to our table.
“I’d just done laundry, and a pair of my undies had apparently stowed away in the lining of my skirt. The hostess looked confused and asked, ‘Are those yours?’ I’ve never been so embarrassed, and I’ve never been back to that restaurant. The lesson? Use dryer sheets, people. Static cling is no joke!”
The fire starter
“I went to a trendy pizza place a few years ago with my husband. The place was quite small and cosy with low lighting and candles on every table. When my food arrived, the pizza was served on paper on a wooden platter.
“At some point whilst devouring the delicious food, the paper must have come into contact with one of the candles. I was only alerted to my flaming platter when my husband’s eyes changed from lovingly looking at me across the table to a look of sheer horror. I managed to put the fire out with my glass of water. We didn’t order dessert and left pretty rapidly. We haven’t returned.”
“At a restaurant a waitress asked whether I’d like ice in my drink or not and I, rather confidently, replied ‘You too’. I wanted the floor to swallow me up.”
The eager eater
“My husband and I went to the hotel bar to have a drink after checking in for our anniversary. We decided to order an appetiser. I must inform you that I grew up a picky eater aside from vegetables and was never a fan of seafood, but I ordered coconut shrimp. I’m an adult trying new things, yay me.
“The pretty bartender places the shrimp in front of us, and it looks wonderful. My husband and the bartender wait for my reaction upon trying this new treat, but are both visibly horrified when I pop the whole thing in my mouth, tail and all.
“My husband busts out laughing at me and I have no idea why. Apparently you aren’t supposed to eat the tail.”
The stuffed decapitation
“I was at a restaurant in Florida that has a large bear mascot. While waiting to be seated I tripped over my own feet and knocked into the bear mascot. His head fell off and rolled across the floor. I might have made some kids cry.”
The birthday surprise
“It was my birthday and when the waiter brought out the cake he told me I had to stand up on my chair. While getting up on the chair I used the table for support. Bad idea. The table, cake, and myself fell over. I still can’t go to that restaurant even though it’s been over 10 years.”
“I was at a really well known soul food restaurant in the northside of downtown Birmingham. It starts off well with me ordering my food and having a nice chat while waiting, when all of a sudden I feel a weird sensation on my leg, so I lift my loose pant leg only to see a giant cockroach on my leg! To my horror, the only response my body could come up with was to pull my pants down screaming and start slapping/punching my leg.
“When said bug was free of my body I immediately realised I’d made a mistake, and noticed the usually loud crowded place was in utter silence and all eyes were on me. I left without my food.”
The wine waster
“I took my best friend and her partner out for dinner to a Michelin-starred restaurant in Edinburgh. Her boyfriend needed to use the bathroom and pushed his chair straight back into a table which was being used to keep all the restaurant’s very expensive wine.
“The table went over and about 15 bottles of wine smashed everywhere. The whole place went silent. Mortifying.”
The shoelace struggle
“I was 16 years old, at a restaurant with friends, and was coming back to the table from the bathroom when I tripped over my shoelace. I grabbed for the first table I could and ended up dragging the tablecloth, with all the food on it, on top of me.
“I was covered in tomato sauce, cheese, and French onion soup. It took three days to get the onion smell out of my hair.”
The missed tip
“When I was around seven years old I was on holiday with family in a small town, and we were desperately seeking a place to eat quite late. We found somewhere that was just about to close but stayed open just for us, and were amazingly hospitable. At the end my family left and I was just putting on my coat when I realised my parents had left some money on the table. So being the helpful son I am, I grabbed it and ran down the street to give it to my parents, beaming with pride.
“Of course, I had taken my parent’s very generous tip. The worst bit? I hadn’t even taken it all and instead had given the impression that after all that effort, my parents had left an insultingly pathetic tip.”
“I flat out gave the waitress an enthusiastic high-five, which she did not want because she was just reaching for my menu.”
The water whisperer
“I was going to eat at this tiny vegan restaurant in New York, and I was shuffling through the tightly packed tables. My bag proceeds to knock over the water pitcher all over the people at the table next to mine. As I’m turning around to apologise and help clean up, my bag hits the water pitcher that was placed on my own table.
“I had to be moved to another table while they mopped up the entire front of the restaurant. I then sat there for 35 minutes alone because my friend was running late.”
The brunch barf
“I had gone out the night before and was extremely hungover. My roommate dragged me to brunch with five of our friends and I had to open the car door to throw up multiple times on the way there. I thought I was gonna be able to handle it but right after everyone got their food I had an urge to suddenly vomit and I had no idea where the bathroom was and couldn’t open my mouth to ask.
“Before I knew it puke was spilling out of my mouth right onto the table.”
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.