1. People who wave money or snap their fingers at you, as though being incredibly obnoxious is a reason to serve them.

The finger snap particularly is basically an incitement to violence.

2. People who decide proximity to the bar is all that matters, and elbow-barge their way through the crush, and then get annoyed that you’re not serving them despite everyone else being there first.

This is not a meritocracy; get to the fucking back.

3. Though being at the back of the queue and waving to try to get attention is just as annoying.

As is attempting to get served by interrupting someone else who’s actually getting served. Just wait your turn, you entitled cockwomble.

4. When you do get to the front, it doesn’t help to complain about waiting times. It won’t make the drink come any quicker.

Look, we know it’s not ideal to have to wait for 20 minutes. We are, almost always, working very hard to get you a drink as soon as possible, since that is very literally our job. But sometimes bars are busy, and it will take longer than we would ideally want. There is not a lot we can do about that. So hang out! Look around you. Maybe make a friend.

5. Especially if there’s then a whole debate about not knowing what to order.

Variants of this conversation play out every single day, in every single bar.

6. Of course, there are the other ways to order and piss everyone off. The “surprise me” is a good one.

I will surprise you with the cheapest beer we have. If you’re lucky, it’ll be in a glass and not your face.

7. As is “What’s good here?”

Nothing. It’s all terrible. You came to the only bar that only serves terrible things. It’s amazing we’re still in business.

8. Same for the “Just a beer” request.

What beer? WHAT BEER? There are many beers. Literally fucking thousands of beers. PICK A BEER.

9. Of course, they may then complain that the specific drink they’ve requested is not available.

It’s always either an incredibly hipster beer that’s been brewed in the forest by blind monks to produce only five bottles (none of which are available in this bar), or a very high-end spirit. Shockingly, the dive bar with what appears to be a bloodstain on the ceiling doesn’t have the 30-year-old Talisker you’re so keen on.

(Also, the woman whose ear you said that loudly next to does not care.)

10. Then there’s this one.

Just stop.

11. People who decide to order drinks without looking up from their phone are terrible as well.

Human interaction is hard, it really is. But just try to make eye contact. It’s worth it, honestly.

12. The ongoing battle of people refusing to obey the damn law is very real as well.

It’s actually really clear when it’s not you on your ID.

13. When people are told the price, they’ll often respond by repeating it back with an incredulous tone. As though you’ll suddenly respond with “Oh no! I forgot! You get the super-duper-special cool person price!”

14. They will then try to use a card to pay for their single drink that they’re still convinced they could get for a few pennies less down the road.

They’d still be annoying and try to pay on card there too.

15. Failing that, the cash will make its way on to the bar, in the one wet bit, and you’ll have to scrape it up through all the miscellaneous spilled drink.

Unless, that is, they can’t find it at all and decide to pour the contents of their bag and pockets all over the bar, seemingly unaware that old train tickets and a button are not valid forms of currency in 2015.

16. Surprisingly, many, many people ask to charge their phone. Like, more than there are plug sockets.

This, in fairness, is not their fault. Battery life is always terrible and smartphones have ruined everything.

17. But even if your phone is basically life support, reaching over the bar to try to get it charged is definitely not OK.

Just never reach over the bar. People lose hands like this. Or they would, if bartenders had their way.

18. Talking is nice! Except when it’s busy.

Long conversations when it’s completely rammed are a problem. Especially if it’s a long and discursive conversation about exactly why the bartender is doing something wrong.

19. And if the conversation involves the question “Is this your real job?” then you are legally entitled to spray them with the soda.

Honest. It’s a real law. (It’s not.)

20. It’s even worse if that long conversation means they don’t make room at the bar for all the VERY MANY people waiting behind them.

Remember how you were complaining about the long wait? This. This is why.

22. And the people who fuck with the candles and leave a trail of wax everywhere.

Do you know how annoying it is to clean? Like, quite. Quite annoying.

23. Cleaning ashtrays might be even worse though.

25. Especially when all you want to do is clean and three people are determined to stay so long past last orders.

Go home. Please.

26. Which is often related to the eternal struggle of dealing with drunk people.

Again, it comes with the territory. But also…stop.

27. And finally, not ordering the Guinness first.

Fuck you.